Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
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If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.