Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
You Might Also Like
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
can’t believe I got front row seats
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Have kids, they said
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*