I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
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If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.