million dollar idea: worm dehorser
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Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
new shirt idea
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*