But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
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me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”