Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
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interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
How to make infinite energy.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*