Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
You Might Also Like
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.