My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
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9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Lol
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”