most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
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*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*