you stereotypes are all alike
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“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Labreador
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
rise and shine we got egg
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Jesus Christ lmao
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
what it’s like dating me:
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*