FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
You Might Also Like
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.