Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
You Might Also Like
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets