Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
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The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Effort made
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
He a real one for that
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.