Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
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If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars