Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth