[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
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My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*