I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
You Might Also Like
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
and this one
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
@funTweeters
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Cats (2019)
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.