The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
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New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance