Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
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ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.