Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
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The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Oh yeah that’s it
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.