[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
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Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*