I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Ha
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable