Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
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My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
mom gave me mine for free
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd