I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
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Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID