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I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.