“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
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Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car