Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
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*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Wednesday
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away