Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
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I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
Bird snatches worm: Haha beat you to it sleepy head!
*blam!*
And early riser Hunter Harry gets delicious fried pheasant for lunch.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.