Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
You Might Also Like
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*