I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
You Might Also Like
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!