To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
You Might Also Like
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I triple waxed for this?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck: