You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
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I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.