Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
You Might Also Like
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean