Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
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I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.