Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
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“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
this post was so formative to me
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it