“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
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That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
me, after any kind of buffet.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Harsh but fair
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too