There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
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Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.