when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
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At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.