When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
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Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Found a free bandaid at the pool.