Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
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NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Yes my dude
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Discuss
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.