I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
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Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.