I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen