When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
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Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
incredible text to wake up to
who named him groot and not spruce lee
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.