[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
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“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
I would move hell over six inches for you
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.