Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
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This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
felt cute might bury dad later idk
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
when there are deer in the woods
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing