My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
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BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Every photo I’m tagged in
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.