“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
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13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
My favorite female superhero
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple