me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
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[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
The struggle is real.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”