You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
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If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*