Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
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Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up